The Last Stand – Movie Review

Review of – The Last Stand (It’s on Netflix right now…you might want to watch it. Movie tickets are expensive!)

“What’s this?”

“A movie review, Hank.”

“Since when do you write movie reviews, Dan?”

“Since now.”

“Well, do you even know how to write one? Have you read other movie reviews?”

“No, not really.”

“What?! Why not?”

“They’re boring.”

“So then why are you doing it?”

“It might be fun.”

“What movie are you reviewing?”

“The Last Stand.”

“Who’s in it?”

“The guy from Jingle all the way.”

“Oh, I love that movie!”

“I know right? Such a good movie.”

“Such a great movie you mean! Well what about this movie? Was this movie just as great? What’s it about?”

“A guy wearing loafers.”

“Loafers? What does that even mean?”

“Ha ha, oh…you’ll see…”

“No I won’t. That sounds awful. What else happens?”

“It’s an action movie. A lot of stuff happens.”

“Examples?”

“Wouldn’t that be spoilers?”

“I don’t think so. Just like, don’t give away the plot and stuff like those other reviews…”

“I won’t.”

“Good…because those other reviews…”

“Yea, said I won’t.”

“Right, okay then…soooo….what’s it about?”

“A cop that doesn’t follow the rules in a movie that follows all of the basic plot rules.”

“Well doesn’t all media have to follow the rules?”

“Not necessarily. This review isn’t following the basic rules of a review.”

“I guess you have a point. What else happens?”

“Awesome car chases, there’s a crime boss. They do the whole veteran cop tells the young dreamer cop that life isn’t that great thing.”

“Give me like a synopsis thing, like what you write for books.”

“Okay.”

“Well?”

“Oh, you want it now?”

“Well…yea?”

“A young dreamer cop, an old hardass cop, an evil guy with a goatee, an even more evil guy with a goatee but also long hair, and…Johnny Knoxville…because…why not, right?”

“That was pretty good.”

“Thanks.”

“You said this movie has a car chase?”

“Yea.”

“Why doesn’t Charles Splints have any car chases?”

“Maybe he will…”

“When?”

“After he’s had…a bit more…”

“The suspense!”

“…Black coffee.”

“Whoa, that was intense. Anything that bothered you about the movie?”

“Kind of…”

“Like what?”

“You know when movies do that thing where the camera lens reflects the light from the sun and it’s all ‘artsy’.”

“They did that?”

“I don’t think so. There was a part where that happened but it was on a guy’s face.”

“Can’t they edit that?”

“You would think right?”

“But then again…”

“What?”

“Do you catch all of your edits?”

“Hmmm, good point.”

“What else about this movie? Would you watch it during Christmas time like with Jingle all the way?”

“It does have the flashing blue and red lights.”

“Christmas is green and red…”

“Oh, then…yea I would.”

“What would you rate this movie?”

“Rate?”

“You’re supposed to rate the movie afterwards on a scale of 1-10 or something.”

“But I just wrote a review. That should be enough.”

“You would think so, but people like to see numbers.”

“But…I just…WROTE A REVIEW WITH A BUNCH OF WORDS THAT MEAN SOMETHING ABOUT THE MOVIE.”

“Soooo…you’re not going to rate it?”

“Jeez…3 out of 5.”

“3 out of 5 what?”

“Bottles of multivitamins.”

“What? Where did that come from?”

“They’re sitting on the stand next to the chair I’m sitting on.”

“Sooo…you’re sticking with that then?”

“It’ll catch on.”

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