Hank in Space (The 26th Story in The Hank Saga) By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L)
All I remember was that I was walking…perhaps jogging. I had my headphones in and was listening to my favorite band – they just released a new album. Ten tracks, eleven if you count the bonus track. But the first ten includes the interlude. It was somewhere around the sixth or seventh song I was abducted. Yeah, you heard me right. I was abducted.
Chapter One: Dan gets abducted
I wasn’t sure what to expect. Once I was able to compose myself I looked around. There wasn’t much to see, I was in some sort of pod – like a small jail cell built of windows. There was heavy glare but I could see someone through the glass, faintly, I tried to make out a face. I recognized it right away. It was Hank.
We’ve had our quarrels in the past, but as of late he’d seemed to be reformed. He was no longer challenging us each week to different fits of rage. He was calling upon us, sometimes even taking matters into his own hands, to save the world, the internet. It didn’t make any sense why he would abduct me. But then…he spoke.
“Yeeeaaaah, was getting kind of bored. I found this spaceship in an aquarium in Ohio. Pretty cool, huh?”
“Why abduct me? What is it you want?”
“Want? You’re my brooooo! Sorry about the pod. Let me just find where the “open hatch” button is or whatever it’s called.”
He’d told me about how the spaceship was behind the turtles. It wasn’t adding up. What kind of alien would hide their ship in plain sight like that?
“The ship had a couple leaves on it. I think the aliens thought it would hide the ship or something. And are you going to be doing that the whole story?”
“Talking in past tense like that as if you’re looking back on the story we’re currently in.”
He had some sort of fourth wall breaking ability. It was like no matter how I told a story he wanted to tell it his own way.
“I’m going to need you to cut that out. It’s ruining all the fun. Hey, want to see the sonic blasters?!”
“Sure, I guess. Does this ship have any food on it?”
“What’s it taste like.”
“Tastes like glorp I suppose. I haven’t tried it yet. Want to be my taste tester?”
“Does it pay well?”
“I can pay you in glorp.”
“What are the benefits like?”
“The usual, no dental though.”
“What if the glorp ruins my teeth?”
“That’s the risk of the business, man. Do you want any glorp or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll try it. But I want to get paid weekly, not bi-weekly.”
“I can have Betty arrange that for you.”
“She’s this lady I know named Betty.”
“Does she always handle your workers’ pay?”
“Depends how much work they do.”
He handed me a small container of glorp. It was kept in something the size of a tuna can, but with a twist off lid like a jar of jelly. The glorp had a shine to it, like gasoline on asphalt. It was the consistency of peanut butter and when I tasted it…my taste buds had a party, the kind of parties I totally went to in high school…in my imagination.
“Do you have any hot-sauce?”
“What’s it taste like?”
“Like glorp I suppose.”
“Figures. Can I try some?”
He took a single spoonful before grabbing the container from my hand and running off into the innards of the ship. I searched for him for days, or at least a couple hours, ship time runs on a different clock I think, all I knew was my phone needed re-charging before I’d ever be able to tell time again.
“Um, it’s just Dan. Not Daniel.”
“According to your birth certificate your name is Daniel.”
“Well according to me my name is Dan!”
“No need to get testy, Danny.”
“It’s definitely not Danny!”
The ship had its own artificial intelligence, I took a lucky guess and found out its name was Chip. It sounded the most like ship.
“Where is Hank with my glorp?”
“That glorp belongs to Gerfunk.”
“He is the true owner of the glorp, and this ship.”
“Where is he?”
“Doing recon on your world. I imagine you won’t be happy when he finds his Chippy-poo is missing.”
“He really calls you that?”
“No, he calls me Chippy-poo.”
“That’s what I said.”
“No it wasn’t, Danny.”
Chapter Two: Captains Log
“Caaaaptains log. It’s been twelve minutes since I first abducted Dan. He was the perfect test subject to try out the glorp. Turns out this stuff is the bee’s biceps. Am I saying that right? Anyway, I bet he’s looking for me right now, but he’ll never think to look for me….in the Gerfunkla’s room! Which…I assume is the girl’s room in alien language. He’ll catch on and realize it too, he’s good like that. Anyway, I’m making this log so someday the people of earth will find it and be amazed at how I chiseled a log to look like my face and then wrote all of the words on it to make sure I had something to share my amazing sto…damn, I ran out of room. No matter, I can use this journal here, let me just press this button to open it….aaaaaand now we’re in space.”
Suddenly Chip burst into space, I knew this because the windows no longer showed clouds, but instead a whole lot of satellites and other junk we leave out there in space. Hank had managed to launch the rocket into space, much like I just mentioned, but now I’m mentioning it so that I can mention something else after it…we’d have to find our way home…
Chapter Three: Home
Turns out there was a homing button with earth’s coordinates still programmed in. I found in the Gerfunklo’s room. Weird place for it to be. I also found Hank in what I assume was an alien version of the girl’s room. Did you know he goes to the bathroom sitting down? Weird right? He had chiseled a Captain’s log, the one I’ve placed before you.
“So…what do you think of all this?”
“Gerfunk doesn’t like this story. It needed more Nina. WHERE IS NINA?!!!”
“She’s been busy. I’ll tell you what…if you give me all of your glorp….I’ll…give you your hat back!!!”
“That was Gerfunk’s scalp! He need that to impress ladies! Give back!”
Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) July 2014