The Masked Hank: Purse Thief – By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L)
He stands atop the tallest building, looking down as the protector of the innocent. The city is rampant with thieves and stand-up comedians – some of which are currently sitting on the curb outside of LAUGH’S BAR AND GRILL.
He is…THE MASKED HANK!
“My purse! Somebody help! My purse!”
“Sir, where did the thief go?”
“Up that building!”
“I see him!”
“With your super-vision?”
“No, my glasses. Up and awaaaaaaay!”
The Masked Hank flies up the side of the building as he sticks his tongue out at the thief and shouts “Neeener, neeener, neeeeeener!”
The thief, face shrouded in mystery by some sort of mysterious shroud sprints up the building, dodging the windows because he or she would fall through them, or trip, whatever would normally happen in this absurd situation.
The thief trips as he or she misses dodging the window. He or she slams his or her face into the brick or wood or steel of the building and falls backwards towards the grass or pavement.
“Nooooooo!” shouts Hank as he rushes to save him or her.
He catches the thief and lands them both safely to the ground. He takes the mysterious shroud away to reveal…
“Mom? It’s me! You idiot!”
“No, it’s me! Nina!”
“Nina?! Why were you trying to steal Stinky’s purse?”
“Because…I need to go on a third trip!”
“Nina’s Third Trip Money?! That’s nonsense! Nobody would ever read that!”
“Why do you say that? I’m the one that started this whole shindig!”
“It’s a jamboree, and I’m the real star of this attraction.”
“You’re only a distraction to this attraction.”
“There you go trippin’ again, girl.”
“Ughh…you’re horrible. Can you let me go now?”
“Not with Stinky’s purse.”
“But…my third trip…”
“Isn’t going to happen. Hand it over. Earn the money the right way, with an honest soul-sucking job. If you’re lucky in this day and age you can retire by age seventy and go on all the cheap adventures you want with what little money retirement will offer you.”
“I’d rather just take this purse…”
“There’s only four dollars in this purse…”
“How do you know that? Did you use your super-vision?”
“Wha? Why does everyone think I have super-vision? I used my glasses.”
“Super-vision or not I’m not giving up this purse. I don’t want to work a normal job like everyone else.”
“You don’t have to. You can be whatever you want.”
“You could be…a writer!.”
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
“Haaaa haaaa haaa haa haaa haaaa!”
“Seriously though…like what?”
“A doctor? Lawyer?”
“Those sound boring. What other ideas you got?”
“Like you? You’re wearing a bath towel around your neck as a cape and you have those sandals with straps that only single men that have given up on ever finding a soul-mate wear.”
“She’s out there…somewhere…maybe in the stars…but forever in my heart…”
“The hell was that?”
“Not sure, I think it was a thought.”
The Masked Hank grows tired of Nina’s attempt to get his mind off the purse in her hands. He grabs the strap and slings it over his shoulder. “Hey!” Nina yells – or something close to that, I couldn’t really understand what she said, it might have been “Play!” , but I don’t know why she would have said “Play” , so it was probably “Hey!”, since saying “Hey!” after someone takes something from you makes the most sense.
“I’ll be leaving now, ma’am. Do good and eat fruit. Up and awaaaaaaay!”
“…such an idiot.”
By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) July 28th 2014
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