MC Frisbee Rockstar and Sparkles The Vampire (The 31st Story in The #HankSaga) By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L)

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MC Frisbee Rockstar and Sparkles The Vampire – By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L)

 

“What’s with the guy in booth twelve?”

“Which booth?”

“Twelve.”

“I don’t…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“UGH!! The one near the door!”

“Ahh, booth nearthedoor. I’m not really sure what’s with him. Seems kind of pale. A bit sparkly.”

“Find out what his deal is when you go over there. He’s in your section.”

“Alright, just give me a minute. I’m practicing my Frisbee throwing form. WHICH-AH! WHICH-AH!”

“Creating your own sound effects?”

“Who else is going to say them for me? You want to? It would help.”

“Uhhh..no. I need to get back to my office.”

“Okay DJ Rae Rae. Wait…you know twelve?”

“What’s twelve?”

“Nevermind.”

MC Frisbee Rockstar practices his form for the next eleven and a half minutes as the customer at booth nearthedoor grows increasingly nervous as the sun begins to come in through the window. He’s an odd fellow, with his hair spiked up as if in a commercial for a cheap brand of cologne. His clothes are that of a high school student’s, yet his I.D says he’s over three-hundred years old. He smells like death and a tropical sea breeze. Sometimes, when nobody is looking, he blinks.

“Hey, my name is…”

“I don’t care. I just came here to eat.”

“Alright then. What can I get you?”

Mc Frisbee Rockstar looks as the man holds in a mirror in his hand. A peculiar reflection can be seen as only the man’s mustache, eyebrows, eyelashes, and hair are found in the reflection.

“I think your mirror is broken, mister.”

“I know, I know. There is a big smudge in the middle of it. I’ve cleaned enough of it where I can at least see my mustache, eyebrows, eyelashes, and toupee, I mean…my hair.”

“That’s neat. So what have we decided on today?”

“Do not rush me, mortal! I will consume your soul!”

“That’s a Friday only special. Today’s is Clam Chowder mixed with what’s left of yesterday’s Meatloaf Surprise.”

“What is in the Meatloaf Surprise?”

“A combination of Saturday’s Chili Surprise and Sunday’s Mystery Lunch.”

“I will pass. Give me the meat lover burger, cooked extra rare.”

“Those cooking directions make no sense, but will do, Sir.”

“Do not call me Sir! My name is Sparkles! You shall tremble at the sssssound of my name! Say it!”

“Sparkles.”

“Very good. Now go. Prepare my food.”

“That’s actually the cook’s job. I just take your order.”

“Who is this cook you speak of? What is his name?”

“His name’s Stinky.”

“That is an unsettling name for someone that is to be preparing my food. You cook it instead of this ‘Stinky’ person!”

“I can’t, Sparkles. I’m actually a musician in real life.”

“In real life? You are this! I see you with my eyes!”

“This is just a job, Sparkles. A means to paying rent. It’s the passion that really drives me. Creating music, posting videos online for people to troll and voice their various opinions on. It’s the dreams that really matter.”

“Wake up! You are not dreaming! Make my food or suffer my wrath!”

“I’m going to need you to calm down, Sparkles. Don’t make me get Dan out here.”

“Who is this Dan?”

“He’s this super cool guy with an awesome beard and great big muscles. He’s a writer, totally awesome too. Man, I wish I was him.”

“Hmm…I wish to meet this ‘Dan’ fellow.”

“Can’t, I just said that to scare you. He doesn’t work here anymore.”

“Why not?”

“He found a job with benefits.”

“Benefits?”

“Yup.”

“What are these…benefits?”

“MC FRISBEE ROCKSTAR! YOU’RE ORDER FOR BOOTH NEARTHEDOOR IS READY!”

“WHAT?!”

“YOUR ORDER FOR BOOTH NEARTHEDOOR IS READY!”

“BUT I DIDN’T EVEN PUT IT IN THE COMPUTER YET! HOW DID YOU KNOW!”

“I’VE BEEN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU THIS WHOLE TIME! I JUST RAN INTO THE KITCHEN REAL QUICK TO GRAB A RAW BURGER FOR THIS WEIRDO!”

“OKAY THANKS!”

“YOU’RE WELCOME!”

“What was the meaning of all of that screaming?”

“That was Stinky. Here’s your meal.”

“Why were you screaming?”

“Because he was screaming. Wouldn’t you scream if I was screaming?”

“I live for the screams…as my teeth sink into the noses of my victims.”

“Ew, that’s pretty messed up, Sparkles. Well, enjoy your meal!”

“I will…I will…”

Sparkles sinks his teeth into the nose of his burger and is instantly teleported to The Land of Uncooked Meat.

“What is this place?”

“Not sure, I’ve been here for like ten minutes and haven’t figured it out yet.”

“How did I get here?”

“What’s the last thing you did? I was eating a chicken.”

“Did you cook it?”

“Was I supposed to?”

“Who are you, mortal? And what is wrong with your hands?”

“I’m Hank. My hands are wood. They got a few splinters I guess.”

“I am Sparkles! Do not tempt my wrath!”

“Thaaaat’s great. Let’s avoid those comments for the duration of this story shall we?”

“Story? What story? My life is not one of fiction!”

“Sure it is, we’re in a story right now. Dan’s writing it mid-day on Saturday afternoon outside on the balcony of his apartment with a mug of coffee sitting beside him that says “Groovy Cool Writers” on it.”

“This Dan is the same from before?”

“Wouldn’t know. I was just placed into the story. Oh, wait. Yeah it is. I forgot I’m part of the writer’s mind, so everything he’s written we both know too.”

“This is all very hard to comprehend. I am Sparkles! I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes!”

“A thousand lifetimes? You’ve lived maybe four, five if the lifetimes were of smokers.”

“You dare insult me?!”

“Are we playing truth or dare? Go ahead, ask me a truth…ask…ask me who my celebrity crush is!”

“You dare waste my time? Prepare to feel my wrath!”

“How?”

“How what?!”

“How do I ‘prepare’ myself to feel your wrath? Just seems like an odd thing to say to someone before you intend on inflicting pain on them unless you give them a couple examples of how they need to prepare.”

“Just…brace yourself. My wrath is not to be trifled with!”

Hank launches into the air and opens his mouth in order to emit a laser-beam that burns the skin of Sparkles just as the sun would.

“Weird that there’s no sun here.”

“What…what was that?!”

“A laser-beam.”

“You shouldn’t be able to do that! It makes no sense! And how can you even move your fingers if they’re wooden! And you have a tail of licorice…”

“Half a tail.”

“Half a tail of licorice! This world, this story, nothing makes sense anymore!”

“Did it ever?”

“It did once…when I was a young boy…the mere age of eighty-one. I used to play with the other young vampires. We’d wake up early to make our coffins and go crow hunting…”

“This is boring.”

“Silence! My mother…rest her eternal soul, was a truly horrifying woman, always making sure we were dressed in our Sunday’s worst before heading out to school…I miss her smile.”

“What happened to her?”

“She moved to Detroit.”

“Ahhh, I see, I see. Is there a point to this story of yours?”

“Was there a point to any of this entire story?!”

“Follow your dreams, life’s a story, choose your own path, and avoid eternal damnation at the hands of a vampire.”

“Wise words from a wooden man.”

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By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) August 11th 2014

Follow Dan on Twitter @Deeliopunk

and Facebook Deeliopunk-Author

Check out all the Hank Saga stories so far…

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