Harmonica and a Unicorn (The 33rd Story in The #HankSaga) By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L)
“What’s that unruly sound?”
“It’s that unicorn over there playing the harmonica.”
“Unicorn playing the harmonica.”
“That doesn’t strike you as odd?”
“He is playing it rather unruly. But he just needs some practice.”
“How do you know it’s a boy unicorn?”
“He’s got that thing on his head, shhh, don’t look at it that’s rude.”
“That’s not, ugh, nevermind. Let’s teach him how to play the harmonica better so everyone at Blue Spaghetti’s doesn’t get up and leave.”
“I’m more of DJ, soooo, I can’t actually play any instruments, but I can pick songs superfast on the computer, want to watch me?”
MC Frisbee Rockstar rolls his eyes.
“AAAH! My eyes!”
“Why’d you roll them along the floor like that?”
“It was supposed to be more of an expression! Dan always takes things so literally when writing these stories! AAAH!”
DJ Rae Rae chases after the eyes of MC Frisbee Rockstar and ends up bumping into the unicorn during a sweet left side solo.
“Oh, uh, hello. I’m DJ Rae Rae, can I get you anything to drink? Eat?”
“Hey, I’m Stew, and I’ll take some hay.”
“We don’t serve hay here Stew. We do have spaghetti though. We could serve it to you raw.”
“Nay. I’ll take a House Salad, extra hay.”
“Okaaaaaay…yeah, coming right up with that.”
“Good, because if you don’t…”
DJ Rae Rae runs back into the kitchen panting and looking like she just ran a short distance at very high speeds.
“MC…the unicorn…he just…said he…or else…he said…to me…I need…hay…where can I…get…hay?”
“You’re not MC! You’re…you’re…who are you again?”
“It’s me, you know, Maria!”
“Ohhhh yeaaaah…of course I remember yooooou….from that tiiiiiiime…sooo muuuuch fuuuuuuun…”
“Okay, well I’m going to get back to work!”
“Isn’t she stuck in a toaster or an envelope?”
“MC! Did you hear what I said to her? About the unicorn? Did you hear? He’s crazy!”
“He seems pretty chill. I think you’re overreacting. I’ll go out there and talk to him.”
“Don’t go out there unless you have hay!”
“I’ll give him an apple, it will be fine.”
“That’s not an apple that’s a lime!”
“Pshhh, nooooo, this is a green apple, silly.”
MC Frisbee Rockstar walks out of the kitchen tossing the green apple up in the air and catching it over and over again as he walks to the table of the unicorn that is still playing his harmonica as he (the unicorn) is patiently awaiting for his (the unicorn’s) House Salad (not his house, the restaurant’s) made from hay.
“Hey there, guy. Can I interest you in an apple while you await your rather unlikely meal?”
“What was that second part?”
“This apple is a rather unlikely meal.”
“Ah, yes. I wasn’t expecting it at all.”
The unicorn takes a bite of the green apple.
“This…isn’t an apple…it’s…a lime!”
“Pssshhh, silly, it’s a green apple.”
“Do you know what happens when you give a unicorn a lime?!”
“Is it similar to the effects of a green apple?”
The unicorn’s eyes become bright green as he stands up on his two back legs and cracks his back. His mane grows thick and golden brown, and his hooves turn into hands and feet. He stands before MC Frisbee Rockstar as a unicorn/man thing with beautiful hair and eyes.
“Soooo, what happens?”
“We become…MASTERS OF THE HARMONICA!”
The unicorn grabs the harmonica from the table nearest the door and belts out a solo unlike anything MC Frisbee Rockstar has ever heard before. Rainbows leak out the ears of every customer and server in the restaurant. DJ Rae Rae comes running out of the kitchen as the spectrum bleeds from her ears, tears of gold drip from her eyes as she listens to the sweet song of the unicorn.
“Whew, that look a lot out of me. I can’t wait for my hay salad now.”
“Umm, about that. Weeeee doooooon’t actuuuuaaallly haaaaaave…haaaaay…”
“Excuse me? You were talking as if you were in slow motion.”
“It’s my waaaaaaay of telliiiiiiing yoooooou sooooomethiiiiing wheeeen I’m reeeaaally nervoooous..”
“Noted. Seriously though, I’ll need that salad now. Being a MASTER OF THE HARMONICA is really tough stuff. Anytime now would be great.”
“WE DON’T HAVE ANY HAY!”
“That’s not good…”
“What? Why? What are you going to do?”
“It’s not me, no. I was just hungry earlier, but now that I’ve been given the lime and played the solo it’s mandatory I eat hay afterword…otherwise…”
The ceiling to Blue Spaghetti’s is ripped away by the purple and orange winds of a powerful hurricane. Lighting snaps in the sky and a single bolt cracks down from the darkest cloud striking the unicorn and turning his golden brown mane to soot. His once beautiful green eyes are turned red and the small harmonica becomes the size of one of those weird keyboard guitars. His hands and feet turn back into hooves and a pair of sunglasses appear on his forehead as if to say “I’m cooler than you”.
“This doesn’t look good.”
“Hey, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, Dan said I should probably stop by here. Looks pretty bad. What’d you do?”
“Gave him a lime, but not any hay.”
“Wow, that was stupid of you.”
“How was I supposed to know this would happen?”
“Haven’t you read the dictionary before?”
“What? No! Have you?”
“Of course, I love that book, thing is hilarious.”
“Well, Hank, now that you’re here…can you help?”
“Sure can. Hold this for me.”
Hank hands a half-eaten lime over to MC Frisbee Rockstar and cracks his knuckles even though he knows how gross it sounds to everyone around him. The demonic unicorn looks over at Hank and howls.
“It’s what I do now instead of naying. Don’t question it.”
“I don’t think it’s called naying. Let me check my dictionary real quick.”
“No! Enough of this foolishness! I need my hay, NOW!”
“Hey, hey, now. You need to calm down, buddy. Let’s settle this like civilized beings.”
“Nah, I’m gonna laser beam that smug looks right off your face.”
Hank leaps up and soars high above Blue Spaghetti’s where he unleashes a bright laser beam from his mouth. The beam crashes into the demonic unicorn and causes the red of his (the unicorn’s) eyes to burn even brighter (more red).
The demonic unicorn soars up in the sky and faces Hank, which makes sense because otherwise he’d be leaving himself open for a sneak attack or something, he shoots a beam from the large harmonica strung around his neck just like those seen on those weird keyboard guitars. The beam hits that of the one shooting from Hank’s mouth. The slightly darker red beam of the demonic unicorn’s weird keyboard guitar sized harmonica clashes with the slightly lighter red of the one being emitted from Hank’s mouth and it creates a pretty cool light show for the customer’s down below sitting in the restaurant complaining about how the wind is ruining their hair and making their silverware fly violently around them.
“That looks, butter knife, really cool, fork, up there, spoon attack!”
Up in the air the two titans silence their attacks and stare menacingly at one another.
“It appears we’re evenly matched, Hank.”
“Not a chance, nameless unicorn.”
“It’s Stew actually.”
“Oh, alright. Why hasn’t Dan just been writing that then instead of unicorn over and over?”
“An esthetic choice I suppose, perhaps I won’t become a recurring character.”
“Oh, with a line like that now it’s definitely going to happen.”
“You’ll be out for a couple stories maybe, but then you’ll be back. And when you do come back…we’ll finish this.”
“Why can’t we just finish this now?”
“Oh, you want to?”
“I mean, yeah, I don’t really have anything else going on right now. Do you?”
“I kind of wanted to binge watch some shows today, but I can give this story another paragraph of combat text.”
“One more paragraph then?”
Knowing this is the last paragraph the two do everything they can to make it super exciting. If only you could actually be here watching what is going on, it’s absolutely unbelievable. I didn’t even know Hank could do that, wow, oh no! Oh good, that crazy awesome attack almost hit Hank. Darn! The demonic unicorn (Stew) just unleashed this huge attack and it struck Hank in his half a licorice tail, but wait…it looks like…he didn’t feel a thing! This is insane, folks! And what’s he doing now? Oh no, not that Hank…anything but that! And that’s it, folks. Looks like Hank saved the day once again, which is kind of ironic considering how these stories started off with him being a villain type character. Wow, just wow, you’ll never see anything like this fight again that’s for sure.
By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) August 25th 2014
Follow Dan on Twitter @Deeliopunk
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Check out all the Hank Saga stories so far…