Hank’s Secret Handshake – The 35th Story in The #HankSaga – By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) – Sept 2014
“That’s how it’s supposed to be though.”
“Stop saying ‘that’ all the time. It’s ruining your stories.”
“Don’t be sad. Here, have some gluten-free candy.”
“Those are ice-cubes.”
“Yeah, about that, not sure what gluten really is.”
“Let me explain it to you in song!”
Hank bursts through the door of Blue Spaghetti’s Nook Home and demands everyone gather around him and get ready to be amazed.
“I guess the song will have to wait.”
“Gather ‘round, gather ‘round, and be amazed, as I, the Magnificent Hank show you all how to perform my secret handshake!”
“This should be good…”
“Who said that? Without dialogue tags I don’t know who’s talking.”
“Does it matter? I mean, you’re getting a reaction and then it’s pretty clear when you’re talking,” said someone with a name standing in front of Hank.
“Or is it?” said someone who isn’t Hank trying to prove a point.
“Ahhh, I see what you did there,” said someone else, also not Hank.
“Okay, okay, it’s pretty clear we need an editor here. Is there an editor in the crowd? An editor?”
“I’m an editor,” says Cinta.
“You there, with the mustache, are you an editor?”
“Uh, no. But she is, she just said so,” says MC Frisbee Rockstar as he points to Cinta.
“Who’s adding these dialogue tags? I can suddenly tell who’s talking,” says Hank.
“I am,” replies Cinta.
“Is it you?” says Hank as he looks at Nina, his eyes burning red, and his tie either green or orange.
“MC Frisbee Rockstar just told you. It’s her,” says Nina as she also points to Cinta.
“Who are you?”
“Cinta. I’m an editor. I can help you with your dialogue tags.”
“Alright then, ‘Cinta’, if that is your real name. Who am I then,” says Hank in a wimpy wimp voice.
Cinta giggles and everyone points as everyone laughs at Hank.
“Very funny,” says wimpy wimp Hank.
“Okay, enough poking fun at you. You have a handshake to show us?”
“Yes, yes I do. And if you’d all stand back a bit I’ll be able to show it to you guys and gals.”
Everyone backs away from Hank as he takes a second to crack his knuckles and adjust his eye-patch.
“Hey, Hank. What’s with the eye thingy you got on?”
“It’s called fashion, Dan. Something you clearly know nothing about. With your black framed glasses, scruffy beard, and perfect hair, matched with a black t-shirt and grey jeans as the sun beats down on you and you regret not wearing the only pair of shorts you have that aren’t gym shorts as you sit in a class learning about how to learn things you want to know and learn about while the sun comes in through the window and creates a glare that pours into your eyes and causes you to lose focus and pretend you’re an astronaut on the planet Zelsabar where the mad king has turned all of his people into goldfish in a ploy to make them all forget what he did last month with their taxes as he forces them all to swim in the pool he built filled with platinum flakes even though goldfish have better memories than most people think and a lot of the townspeople that haven’t yet ingested the flakes thinking they are food haven’t forgotten what he did and what they’re swimming in, nerd.”
“If I’m an astronaut on this planet have I been turned into a goldfish as well?” asks Dan.
“No, duh. You went to Zelsabar in order to overthrow the king and turn all of the townspeople back into people, or like, Zelsabarians.”
“How’d I find out about all this trouble happening on Zelsabar?”
“You read all the time, like some kind of nerd, so you probably found out about it in a book.”
“How’d I get there? With paying rent and the price of coffee nowadays I don’t see how I could ever afford a spacecraft, much less one able to travel out of our known solar system in order to reach Zelsabar.”
“It’s your daydream. You figure it out. I’m just here to teach everyone a secret handshake,” reminds Hank.
“You brought it up though and I have questions that need answering if we’re going to continue with your handshake. Like how did the king turn everyone in goldfish?”
“Pishlemtickens will explain everything to you as I teach everyone else the handshake.”
A fairy bursts through the door and pulls Dan aside in order to explain to him the story of the mad king and the goldfish townspeople.
“What are you doing here, Pishlemtickens?”
“You were sidetracking too much in the story. So we’re going to stand over here until Hank is done showing everyone his secret handshake. Then you can return and pretend like I actually explained things to you,” replies Pishlemtickens. “What is she doing over here?”
“She’s adding dialogue tags so we know who’s talking,” says Dan.
Dan looks over his shoulder to see Hank preparing himself to show off the handshake.
“One, two, three, four…”
“How many pushups are in this handshake?”
“These aren’t a part of it; I’m just getting pumped up before I show off my crazy handshake moves.”
“How many more you going to do?”
“Four hundred and one, four hundred and two. Alright, there we go. That’s enough.”
“You only did six though.”
“I did over four-hundred! You all saw it, you were all there!”
“You did six, but forget it, whatever. Just show us the handshake already.”
“Fine, fine. Okay, everyone put out their hand. The right one. No, no, I mean the correct one. Okay, now raise it as if you’re going to give a high-five and just when you’re about to slap the other persons hand you turn your hand around and hit it with the other side of your hand instead.”
“This doesn’t seem very secret. Isn’t this the handshake Dan does with his neighborhood friend?”
“No, this is completely different. Because, um, in this version you have to be standing on one leg. Yeah, so let’s try it again, but this time do it right instead.”
“You mean correct?”
“Yes, that too.”
Everyone goes to do the handshake and ends up falling over one another because standing on one leg is really hard and stuff. Dan comes running over to the pile of Blue Spaghetti employees and starts singing.
“Gluuuuuuuten! It takes two proteins, to make the gluten, and cause your dooooough to be doughy, your cereal to be tasty, and your life to be graaaaaaaand, but if you have celiac, it will cause you to yack, and your liiiiiiiiiiife won’t be as taaaasty, so instead of a pizza party you’ll spend all day on the potty unless you eat gluten-free snaaaaaaaacks!”
Everyone at Blue Spaghetti’s applauds Dan’s song and wipes tears from their eyes. The beautiful words echo in their hearts as their gluten filled tears drop to the floor, creating a hot lave like scenario for Dan to jump around and try to avoid as he screams.
By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) September 8th 2014
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Check out all the Hank Saga stories so far…