“THAT” Scorpion – The 38th Story in the #HankSaga By: Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) (@Deeliopunk) (@HankSaga)
“That’s what she…”
“But she did say ‘that’.”
“I highly doubt that.”
“Do you think we’re saying ‘that’ too much, Hank?”
“Well that’s a good question, MC Frisbee Rockstar. Why don’t we ask…oh wait, here she comes.”
“Hello, Hank and MC Frisbee Rockstar.”
“Hello, Cinta. What brings you here today?”
“My editor senses were tingling.”
“Does it hurt when that happens?”
“When what happens?”
“Uhhh, umm….when ‘it’ happens?”
“Hmmmm…I think I know how we can get rid of ‘that’ once and for all.”
“Once and for all? Really? What is this a middle school play? If we’re going on a quest…”
“Wait. Which one of you is talking right now? I’ll add some narration to clear things up a bit,” says Cinta in a most elegant tone of voice.
“As I was saying,” continues Hank in his muddy fish voice, “heeeeey…I don’t sound like a muddy fish!”
“According to the narration you do, Hank,” reminds the frisbee playing MC Rockstar who works at Blue Spaghetti’s and plays frisbee golf and rock shows on the weekends.
“Anyway, if we’re going on a quest we need to make it sounds more epic. Something like Jaki would say!”
“Who’s Jaki?” asks MC Frisbee Rockstar.
“You don’t know Jaki? The incredible Jaki? Dan will surely continue his story soon enough. Just you wait, you’re in for a treat when he does! It’s coming! I can feel it in my bones!” shouts Hank.
“MC Frisbee Rockstar, are you off work yet?” asks Cinta.
“No, I’m working a double.”
“Hank, do you even work here?”
“No, I just come here to insult everyone during my free time.”
“Since you’re not actually working you’re coming with me then.”
“Where are we going?”
“To get rid of ‘THAT’.”
“How do we do ‘THAT’?”
“Follow me. You still have the keys to your dragon out front?”
“I think so. Let me check my locker.”
“You have a locker here?”
“No, I keep it in my pocket next to my cellular talking device.”
“You mean your phone?”
“Phone? What is this the 50’s? We use cellular talking devices these days to send text messages so we don’t have to actually talk to the people we care about.”
Hank pulls from his pocket a full row of lockers like you’d see in the middle school hallway. The kind with those combination locks you never want to deal with again but somehow get stuff with using for the rest of your life. What’s the combination? You better not forget! Ha ha ha all your stuff is locked away! Should have written it down!
“Darn, I should have written the combination down,” says Hank as he shakes his head back and forth in the way people do when disappointed in themselves.
“Let me try.”
Cinta grabs hold of the lock with one hand and rips it from the locker.
“You broke it!”
“No I didn’t. Look it’s fine.”
“Something fishy is going on here…”
“Must be you, muddy fish boy!” shouts MC Frisbee Rockstar before high fiving the customer at table 10.
With the keys to his dragon in hand Hank walks out the doors of the familiar restaurant and makes his way towards his trusty companion. Cinta follows after taking some of the free mints from the hostess stand, which is really a big desk.
“How are we going to get rid of the word ‘THAT’ anyway?” asks Hank as he starts the dragon’s wings.
“There is a scorpion at the top of Grammar Mountain named THAT. If we get rid of him there’s a good chance the word will be forever deleted from our vocabulary,” replies Cinta in a mysterious tone.
“So it’s not for certain? And what kind of tone did you just use? It was awfully mysterious.”
“Just drive the dragon. Step on it if you could, we’ve already wasted enough time in this story. Who knows if anyone is still reading this.”
“I bet YOU know,” says Hank as he points to the reader (you).
“Did you just poke the reader in the eye?”
“Dude, be careful,” cries the reader. “That hurt.”
“What hurt?” says Cinta with a raised eyebrow.
“Uhh, nothing…I’m fine…I didn’t mean it honest!” you say.
Cinta points ahead and shouts for Hank to land on the top of Grammar Mountain just ahead where she is pointing with her pointer finger.
“Where is this scorpion? Do we have to call him out? Should I start shouting insults? YOUR MAMA…”
“Hank, just wait here. I’ll go find him and lead him back here.”
“How are we going to fight him?”
“Ohhh I don’t know, maybe use the laser beams you shoot from your mouth as you fly in the air, or maybe, I don’t know YOUR DRAGON?!”
“Good plan. But Rupert is kind of tired. He’s going to take a nap. I’m getting pretty tired too. Think you can handle fighting the scorpion?”
“Ugh, fine. I’ll do it myself. Hand me your sword,” says Cinta.
“I have a sword?”
“There’s one in your locker. I saw it glistening in the sunlight shining through the window of Blue Spaghetti’s no more than fifteen minutes ago.”
“Oh right, tha…I mean…I’ll just get it for you before I say anything else…could you help me with the lock?”
Cinta helps Hank with the lock to his locker and grips the golden pencil sword in her hands as she makes her way towards the cave where the scorpion is hopefully hiding or sleeping or waiting or baking or sewing or preparing for an epic fight himself in order to make a grand finale to this story so amazingly epic nobody will even be able to breathe if I decide to write it without any punctuation as I’m doing with this incredibly long sentence right now.
“Dan, if you’re going to take over narration duties while I’m busy please try to use punctuation.”
Cinta walks slowing towards the entrance to the cave. There is a musky smell coming from the entrance in a thick mist. The type of mist you see in the hallway of a middle school or high school as all the students spray themselves with deodorant in hopes nobody will notice they haven’t showered in days.
“Is anybody home?”
“Who dare ask that question?”
“An editor. And I’m here to get rid of you once and for all!”
“HA! And how do you propose to do that?”
“Is that the golden pencil sword? But how did you get that?”
“Quit saying the word that, THAT!”
“But that’s what I do,” THAT finally emerges from the shadows. He’s twice the size of Hank’s dragon. His eyes are lime green with specks of light blue in them for some reason. His tail is long and hooked in the air, the tip a sharp blade dripping with bad grammar. “I’ve lived here for years, that I am certain. You’re the first to reach the top of Grammar Mountain. You must be well educated in grammar to have passed all of the mountains trials to get here.”
“Actually we just flew up to the top on a dragon.”
“That works too. But who is we? You are but one.”
“I’m we!” shouts Hank before shooting a laser beam from his mouth and into one of THAT’s eyes.
“AAAA! One of my eyes! That hurt!”
“You ready to finish this, Cinta?”
Hank leaps into the air and shoots a beam at Cinta’s sword as she runs towards THAT. The golden sword absorbs the red beam of light and becomes ignited. She leaps into the air and slashes downwards as the scorpion tries to shake off Hank’s cheap shot.
“Wha?” says THAT in a haze.
SLIIIIIIIIIIICE (sound effect…there were budget cuts)
“Well ___ takes care of ___.”
“What was ___, Hank?”
“I saaaid, ___ takes care of ___.”
By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) September 29th 2014
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