Dan’s Bruise – By: D.e.e.L
~ The most Heroically Handsome story ever told ~
“Dan your hair looks so amazingly beautiful today, what’s your secret?”
“Oh Gina, you’re too nice, I use the stuff Stinky gave me. Works great for me…don’t know what he didn’t want it…hmm.”
“Well it’s working great. Wait…what’s that on your perfect bicep? It appears to be an imperfection.”
“Oh, this bruise? Pshh no big deal. Want to hear how it happened?”
“Of course I do!”
“Well…I was just leaving the bank after having stopped a robbery by using my amazing abilities of being incredibly handsome to cause the robbers to lose focus on what they were doing and walk out of the building to go get me some coffee when I was suddenly surprised by something as it suddenly happened to me as I was getting into my car, but before I opened the door. As the crack of the door was going “eeeee” I remembered not to fix the noise because I like how it sounds so I then started to think about music…until suddenly…I got into the car and started to drive home.
On the drive home I noticed some maniac running across the street, so I swerved around him hoping he didn’t notice that I spit my gum into his hair, but he totally did notice that I did that, so he chased after me. He had a tail of licorice and hands and arms made of wood, and was also shouting out at me “I’m Hank! I like pushing buttons!”, which caused me to look at the stereo in my car and realize that it was in fact filled with various mind gripping buttons just waiting to be pushed, so I pushed them all and my car turned invisible, but only to me who was inside the car, everyone outside the car could still see it, I’m pretty sure.
Just as I slammed my foot into what I thought was the “Go faster” pedal, I was bombarded by a beam of some sort of beaming laser into the back of my invisible car that was only invisible to me. I stepped out of my car and stared into the eyes of the maniac known as “Hank who likes to push buttons”. The dust settled after it was done whooshing around for a dramatic little bit to setup the mood of this setting. “Hey Button pusher!” I yelled out at him, “You trying to push my buttons or something?” I then asked him politely. He said yes, so I invited him over to push some of the buttons in my car, but once he got to the door…I noticed his shoelace was untied, so I told him and he thanked me and knelt down to tie it, which I found to be the perfect moment for jumping high up into the air only to come right back down and deliver some sort of crazy cannibal move I had just recently in that moment decided might be cool, but once in the air realized it probably wasn’t the best decision, I landed on Hank though, so it worked out alright. He asked why I did that as he lay on the ground looking up at me asking me why I did that, so I told him why, and then he understood.
“Get up.” I said with words to him loud enough so that he could hear me. He picked himself up from the ground and whipped his licorice tail up to his mouth and took a bite of it, “Good?” I asked, he said yes, so I tried some as well, and it was terrific. Once the sugar rush wore off and we were done playing tag and hide ‘n’ seek, we glared into each other’s eyes once more.
He jumped slightly backwards and spit out a crazy multi-colored beam towards the perfection that is my face, I dodged it, but only because being hit by it seemed like a poor decision. I then picked up a huge rock with my muscles and cracked it in half with my hand muscles; I then threw the two pieces at Hank at slightly different times as to confuse him as to when they were coming. The first rock hit him after the second, which confused me a bit, but it worked. Hank was launched many miles away, but just before leaving he blew me a kiss…a BRUISE KISS! I tried to dodge it, and I did, it didn’t hit me at all.”
I was tired
So I got back into my car
Once inside it was all invisible
I hit my arm on the rearview mirror
By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) Feb, 13th, 2015
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