The Adventures of Hank and Rupert 3: Buttered Chaos – By Dan Leicht @Deeliopunk
That’s a catchy sub-title. Sure to bring in more readers to these expertly crafted weekly stories.
Last we left Hank and Rupert they were face to face with a giant raccoon tying to deliver a pizza. But…our heroes don’t seem to have a coupon! Will they pay the ultimate price…of 14.99? Will the person living under Dan’s apartment ever stop playing weird animal sounds late at night? Sounds like the ocean and whale noises happening right now. Very confusing.
“Just give him the coupon, Rupert!”
“Why would I have a coupon?! I just got here. What’s even happening right now? Do I hear whales?”
“Somebody pay for this pizza so I can stare at my phone and listen to ballads in my bedroom with the fan on and the window open!”
“That’s a well thought out evening. Would you like to talk about it?” asks Hank in his most polite tone of voice – the kind you’d expect to hear from a butler/father-figure/medic/mechanic/expert-tea-maker/chef.
“You sound just like my father-figure-butler-medic-mechanic-expert-tea-maker-chef. Okay I’ll tell you guys all about it.”
“You said those things out of order. But don’t worry, you don’t have to tell us. I found the coupon! I had it hidden in my shoe in case I got shot out of a cannon into another dimension. Good thing I’m the kind of guy who thinks ahead,” says Hank as he stares out into the audience and into your eyes. He raises one eyebrow…then the other…now he just looks surprised…okay it’s getting a little weird now…okay now I feel uncomfortable…Hank, cut it out!
“Stop creeping out the narrator, Hank. Now give the delivery raccoon the coupon so he can go and enjoy his evening.”
Hank hands the coupon to Carl. Carl takes a good hard look at it, his eyes like stone…hard stones.
“This coupon…IS EXPIRED!!!!”
Carl quickly turns into a massive goat monster with large teeth and a cotton tail. His ears sprout little red ribbons and his nails become slathered in a high gloss pink residue. He shouts some sort of language created out of fragmented words. The kind of words you’d only understand if you were born after the year 2000. It’s impossible for our heroes to break the code! Hank pulls out a calculator and gives it a shot anyway, but to no avail. He giggles at the number 8008, but it isn’t enough to save him.
Are our heroes doomed?! What’s so funny about the number 8008? Did Hank know the coupon was expired?! How big is Rupert in comparison to the goat monster?! What did the sub-title have to do with the story?! Some of these questions and more will be answered next week in Hank and Rupert 4!
By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L)
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