Have you really been getting the proper dosage of The Hank Saga? Because doctors recommend twice a week! Make sure to check on Mondays for new adventures!
— The #HankSaga (@HankSaga) September 17, 2015
The 24th Story in The Hank Saga
By Dan Leicht (@Deeliopunk) Originally Posted – 3-10-14
“Hey Nina. What’s that you got there?”
“It’s the newest tablet. Right now I’m surfing the web for nail polish recipes.”
“Do people still say ‘surfing the web’?”
“I don’t know. Let me surf the web to find out. Wait, darn. My break is over. Here, find out and let me know what is says.”
“Okay. But only because I want to.”
Nina hands the incredibly smart tablet over to Dan who pulls his hand back at the last second so that it drops on the floor.
“What the hell, Dan?”
Dan picks the tablet back up and begins using his hands to manipulate a touch screen like he had attempted to do without any success as a child in the 90’s. Dan places the tablet onto the table that is on the other side of the bar in which Christina is serving drinks and Lance has his mouth under the slushy machine because the blue flavor is his favorite even though it’s orange.
“What you got there?” asks a mysterious voice from almost twelve feet away.
“Who’s asking?” asks Dan to the mysterious voice that is almost nine feet away.
“Me!” shouts the voice that is still mysterious because Dan hasn’t turned around yet.
“Not you!!!” shouts Dan once he turns around to see MC Frisbee Rockstar eating a burrito made up of two tacos between two pieces of bread and a pepperoni salad.
“What are you eating?” asks Dan to MC Frisbee Rockstar.
“Eh, just a burrito I made out of two tacos between two pieces of bread and a pepperoni salad,” responds the Rockstar.
“Sounds like something you made up.”
“I found the recipe on the internet.”
“This internet?” Dan shows the tablet to the Rockstar.
“Yea, that’s the one!”
“Let’s find it then because I don’t believe you.”
“That’s kind of messed up, man. I mean…why would I lie about something as serious as my burrito?”
“That’s what I’m here to find out!”
“Who said that?” asks Dan.
“I don’t know,” responds MC.
“I said it!”
“Who?” asks Dan.
“Yea, who?” asks MC.
They both turn around but don’t see anyone. But the voice comes in again and they look down at the tablet to see Hank pounding on the screen.
“The tidal wave is coming!” shouts Hank from inside the tablet.
“Tidal wave? But people don’t surf the web anymore, Hank. Get with the times,” remarks Dan to the out of date Hank.
“Yes, they do. Who told you they didn’t?”
“Social media did.”
“Ahhh…I hate that stuff.”
“Then why are you on it so often?”
“I’m not. You are!”
MC puts his hand onto Dan’s shoulder.
“He’s right, Dan. You are.”
Dan gets up to run away from work seconds before the tablet starts to glow a bright greenish-lime green color.
“Dan get over here! The tablet is freaking out!”
“What is it?”
Dan puts his face in front of the tablet and before MC even knows what happened something happened that sucked Dan into the tablet and onto a surfboard.
“Haven’t I already been in the internet before?”
“But this time…it’s life…or death!”
“Isn’t that basically what living is anyway?”
“Hmm, good point. Now that you’re here though I need your help.”
“I don’t know. So what do you need help with?”
“That huge wave that’s coming this way.”
“That wave has to be 500 gigs wide!”
“Is that a lot?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay…but uhhh…we need to stop it.”
“Stop a wave?”
“What the heck is that? How do we stop a wave?”
“You’re writing the story. Can’t you just stop the wave by writing something else?”
“Hank, just because I’m technically writing this story doesn’t mean that I can stop the wave. I’ve created myself into a character and placed myself into the story, thus making it not possible for me to alter the story beyond the limitations that are available to me within the context.”
“Here’s a pen.”
“Are you going to fix it?”
“Ugh…hold on. Let me ask Dan.”
“But I thought you were Dan?”
“I am Dan. But I’m the Hank Saga Dan. The actual Dan is sitting at a desk right now typing up this story as we speak!”
Dan from the story taps on the metaphorical wall that exists in order for this scene to take place.
“Hey! Hey, Dan!”
“I need you to get rid of this wave. Hank says it’s going to destroy the internet.”
“Only if you can’t find a way to destroy it before it does.”
“But I’m you. Can’t you just get rid of it somehow?”
“I put you in there to get rid of it.”
“But I’m you! See what’s happening here? This conversation we’re having right now doesn’t even make any sense.”
“Sure it does. Everything I write makes sense.”
“True…nice socks by the way.”
“Thanks, Dan. That was a very nice thing to say.”
“Hey, what can I say? You know what I mean?”
“Soooo, about this waaaaave.”
“But Hank already gave me a pen.”
“Yes, I told him to do that.”
“Why? What am I supposed to do?”
“Do what I would do.”
“Wha…what the hell, man?”
Real life Dan vanishes into the metaphorical wall that existed for that scene to take place.
“What did he says?” asks Hank.
“Says? What kind of grammer is that?”
“You misspelled grammar…”
“This is no time for jokes, Hank. Dan gave me this pen.”
“That looks a lot like the pen I gave you.”
“It’s the same pen!”
“You don’t think…”
“YOU MUST COMBINE THE TWO PENS IN ORDER TO CREATE THE ALMIGHTY – BIG PEN OF JUSTICE!!!”
“What just happened?”
“Not sure. It sounded pretty epic though. Now try combining the two pens. I think it will make something awesome happen.”
Dan takes the pen given to him by Dan in one hand while the pen given to him by Hank floats in the air next to the fairy named Pishlemtickens. Dan grabs for the other pen but Pishlemtickens grabs it and shoots up into the sky.
“Put the gun down, Pishlemtickens!”
“Nobody is gettin’ this here pen unless I say so!”
“But why, Pishlemtickens?” cries Hank.
“Because I done make that wave to destroy the internet so nobody no how gonna ever use it again and go play outside they will,” replies the bearded fairy from Bongloshivia.
“Think about all the family you have in Bongloshivia, Pishlemtickens…what will happen to them if this tidal wave strikes their website?”
“You just made that name up! I’m from Jersey!” shouts back Pishlemtickens.
Pishlemtickens floats away at incredible speeds.
“What kind of processor do you think he’s got?”
“Are you attempting to talk in computer terms?”
“Yea, processor…that’s a thing.”
“Just, come on. We have to get that fairy, Hank!”
“Here. Use this.”
“What is this you just handed me?”
“It’s the surfboard…you forgot already?”
“No, I was just trying to clarify what you handed me so that the readers wouldn’t get lost and not know what I was surfing on.”
“What would you be surfing on besides a surfboard?”
“Just…just shut up. Now let’s go.”
“What? Why do I have to go?”
“You’re the reason I’m here in the first place! This is just as much your adventure as it is mine.”
“Shut up, Hank.”
Hank and Dan both climb onto their broomsticks and head for Jersey.
“Where the hell did our surfboards go?”
“These are faster, come on, Hank.”
“Why do you keep saying my name? It’s obvious you’re talking to me.”
“It’s so the reader can keep track of who’s talking, Hank.”
“Okay, Dan. So, Dan what will we do next, Dan?”
“Shut up, Hank.”
“Asking questions is how you get answers, Dan.”
“We’re going to Jersey where we will find Pishlemtickens!”
“How will we know where to look?”
“Did you just wink at me?”
“It signifies something to the reader that we both know something that they aren’t aware of yet.”
“What do we know?”
“Well, at least I know something.”
Their brooms are fast, running at speeds that far surpass that of your current internet provider, and for half the cost! Seriously, why are you paying so much for internet? 65 minutes on the phone can save you 10 dollars or less on internet service, call today!
“Dan, are we…”
“Don’t even say it, Hank!”
“I was going to ask it.”
“What was that?”
“My annoyed sound.”
“You haven’t done that sound before.”
“Sure I have.”
“The one you weren’t in.”
“I’ve been in all of them.”
“Wow, Jersey’s internet is filthy. It’s all just tanning and hair gel coupons.”
“Pishlemtickens is here somewhere. And I know just where to look.”
“There’s that wink again! What is it that you know? Why aren’t you telling me?”
“This is a Laundromat.”
“Yea, and he lives here too.”
“How do you know that?”
“Look at the name of the place.”
“Pishlemtickens’ Home and Laundry. Hmmm…clever name.”
“Yea, now let’s get that pen back!”
“Haha, I forgot he stole that from us.”
“You forgot? Why did you think we came all this way?”
“To say hello. We haven’t seen him in gigs, feels like years.”
“I really don’t think you’ve done that before this story, Dan. Feel like I would remember.”
“Let’s just find him so we can get the pen and stop the tidal wave. Oh no…”
“Look behind you. No, the other way.”
“Yea, it’s almost here.”
“It’s probably already cleared my history!”
“That’s a god thing right?”
“Yea, it’s probably for the best.”
“Come on. We have to hurry.”
Hank and Dan walk into the home/laundry washing place of the fairy known as Pishlemtickens to find the fairy known as Pishlemtickens eating a cigar whilst drinking tea out of his hand.
“It’s a fairy thing! Don’t judge me!”
“We’re not judging you bro; we just want our pen back.”
“I already told you you ain’t gettin’ it back! Now scram!”
“But we need it. Without that pen your Laundromat is in danger!”
“Yes! The wave is coming this way!”
“That’s the whole point! The wave will clean all these stupid clothes. I haven’t had electricity in this place for weeks! All my customers have been complaining. Now take a seat, I’ll give you a discount on that ugly shirt of yours.”
“That’s not what you said the first time. And what’s wrong with my shirt?”
“What isn’t wrong with it would be the better question.”
“That’s not nice…what’s his name again?”
“Give Dan his pen back.”
Hank leaps up into the air and begins spiraling around in a blind fury while complaining about how much his eyes hurt whilst shooting a laser beam from his mouth and blowing up all the washer/dryers.
“Make him stop! Make him stop!”
“Give me back the pen!”
“Fine! Take it! Just make him stop!”
“Keep it up, Hank!”
“What? Why? I gave you back your pen!”
“Yea, but…you’re kind of a dick, dude.”
“It’s a fairy thing!”
Dan walks out of the rubble of a Laundromat and faces the oncoming wave. He takes each pen and presses them together. Nothing happens.
“What the hell, Hank? I thought you said this would work.”
“I thought it would!”
“What made you think so?”
“I saw it in a show once.”
“In a show?”
“Hank! I thought you knew some ancient secrets or something.”
“How would I know ancient secrets?”
“I hate you, Hank.”
Hank grabbed the pens from Dan and raises them above his head. He shouted out the magic words “MAKE THESE PENS COMBINE TO ERASE THAT WHICH IS NOT MINE!” With the magic pen glistening he struck the wave just after it destroyed the rest of the Laundromat thus vanquishing the destructive digital wave before it could erase the entire internet.
“Wha…I thought you didn’t read?”
“I saw it on a popsicle stick.”
“It was probably the worst joke I’ve ever seen. But at least it worked.”
“There you go again. Here.”
“That recipe you were looking for.”
“I made it up. You try it yet?”
“No, not yet.”
“You should really try it.”
Just then Hank whisked up into the air and shot across the internet, never to be seen again…for at least a week.
“Oh, yea…well, bye Pishlemtickens…”
“I’ll get you for this!”
“Yay! A new villain!”
Dan said the magic words “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” and he appeared back in the restaurant just as Nina was starting her second break.
“Where have you been?”
“By the way…what are you even doing here? You don’t work here anymore.”
“I need a burrito.”
By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L)
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