Hank and Dan Movie Reviews

My addiction to Netflix and Amazon Prime(Video) has got to result in something more beneficial…right?

Check here for different movie reviews, some on new releases, others on those movies you’ve been wondering if you should watch or not (I got your back…but I’m not watching Twilight…again)

HANK AND DAN REVIEW GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!

Check back for updates!

Hank and Dan Review – I, Frankenstein 

Hank and Dan Review – Oculus 

Hank and Dan Review – Barfly

Hank and Dan Review – Branded

Hank and Dan Review –  Equilibrium

Hank and Dan Review – The Croods

Hank and Dan Review – 6 Guns (Western from 2010)

Hank and Dan Review  – Jack Reacher

Hank and Dan Review – The Last Stand

Hank and Dan’s Movie Review – Jack Reacher

“Hey, Dan! What are you watching!?”

“You…what? The same thing you’re watching!”

“Not the way I see it. I just saw you check your phone…we’re you texting a giiiiiiiirl?”

“Shut up, Hank.”

“0o0o0o0o0o0o!”

“Shut up!”

“Okay, okay, geez…soooo, what did you think about the movie?”

“The movie with a short guy with black hair playing a character that is supposed to be big and blonde?”

“Yea, that one. And I think he has brown hair.”

“I thought it was good. I lot of violence and that part where he remembered the serial number of the gun later on in the movie when it didn’t really make sense to mention anymore, that was good too.”

“Was that sarcasm?”
“Depends.”

“You…you said you wouldn’t mention that…”

“Not depends as in…geez, Hank. Let’s try to stay on topic this time. We’re talking about a movie and we have to rate it so that people can decide whether or not they want to watch it.”

“Sooo, we’re doing a public service? Do we get paid?”

“Do we eeeever get paid?”

“I don’t know. I figured you were handling all that stuff. Do we?”

“Shut up, Hank. And no…we don’t. But to stay on track what did you think of the movie?”

“I liked the part when he beat up all those people after telling them how he was going to beat them up.”

“That’s very descriptive of you. Remind me why I decided to do movie reviews with you again?”

“Because you like to talk to yourself.”

“Hmmm…that’s actually not a bad point. Could you say a bit more about the movie?”

“Yea.”

“Will you?”

“Yea.”

“Now?”

“Yea.”

“…”

“A man from nowhere comes to somewhere and solves a crime and then leaves again, but not without beating people up and making a woman think she has a chance with him…he also ruins a lot of cars and doesn’t pay for the damages.”

“That seems pretty accurate.”

“That is accurate. It’s the most accurate analysis I’ve ever made.”

“Hahaha, you just…you just said…”

“Dan…be a professional.”

“Erm, yes…I will be. So, I’ll let you rate this one. How many bottles of multi-vitamins would you say this movie is worthy of?”

“Four out of five bottles of multivitamins.”

“That seems pretty high.”

“What would you say?”

“Three bottles.”

“Hmmm…three and a half then?”

“Alright. That works.”

“We rate this movie three and a half bottles of multi-vitamins!”

Review of – The Last Stand

“What’s this?” asks Hank.

“A movie review, Hank.”

“Since when do you write movie reviews, Dan?”

“Since now.”

“Well, do you even know how to write one? Have you read other movie reviews?”

“No, not really.”

“What?! Why not?”

“They’re boring.”

“So then why are you doing it?”

“It might be fun.”

“What movie are you reviewing?”

“The Last Stand.”

“Who’s in it?”

“The guy from Jingle all the way.”

“Oh, I love that movie!”

“I know right? Such a good movie.”

“Such a great movie you mean! Well what about this movie? Was this movie just as great? What’s it about?”

“A guy wearing loafers.”

“Loafers? What does that even mean?”

“Ha ha, oh…you’ll see…”

“No I won’t. That sounds awful. What else happens?”

“It’s an action movie. A lot of stuff happens.”

“Examples?”

“Wouldn’t that be spoilers?”

“I don’t think so. Just like, don’t give away the plot and stuff like those other reviews…”

“I won’t.”

“Good…because those other reviews…”

“Yea, said I won’t.”

“Right, okay then…soooo….what’s it about?”

“A cop that doesn’t follow the rules in a movie that follows all of the basic plot rules.”

“Well doesn’t all media have to follow the rules?”

“Not necessarily. This review isn’t following the basic rules of a review.”

“I guess you have a point. What else happens?”

“Awesome car chases, there’s a crime boss. They do the whole veteran cop tells the young dreamer cop that life isn’t that great thing.”

“Give me like a synopsis thing, like what you write for books.”

“Okay.”

“Well?”

“Oh, you want it now?”

“Well…yea?”

“A young dreamer cop, an old hardass cop, an evil guy with a goatee, an even more evil guy with a goatee but also long hair, and…Johnny Knoxville…because…why not, right?”

“That was pretty good.”

“Thanks.”

“You said this movie has a car chase?”

“Yea.”

“Why doesn’t Charles Splints have any car chases?”

“Maybe he will…”

“When?”

“After he’s had…a bit more…”

“The suspense!”

“…Black coffee.”

“Whoa, that was intense. Anything that bothered you about the movie?”

“Kind of…”

“Like what?”

“You know when movies do that thing where the camera lens reflects the light from the sun and it’s all ‘artsy’.”

“They did that?”

“I don’t think so. There was a part where that happened but it was on a guy’s face.”

“Can’t they edit that?”

“You would think right?”

“But then again…”

“What?”

“Do you catch all of your edits?”

“Hmmm, good point.”

“What else about this movie? Would you watch it during Christmas time like with Jingle all the way?”

“It does have the flashing blue and red lights.”

“Christmas is green and red…”

“Oh, then…yea I would.”

“What would you rate this movie?”

“Rate?”

“You’re supposed to rate the movie afterwards on a scale of 1-10 or something.”

“But I just wrote a review. That should be enough.”

“You would think so, but people like to see numbers.”

“But…I just…WROTE A REVIEW WITH A BUNCH OF WORDS THAT MEAN SOMETHING ABOUT THE MOVIE.”

“Soooo…you’re not going to rate it?”

“Jeez…3 out of 5.”

“3 out of 5 what?”

“Bottles of multivitamins.”

“What? Where did that come from?”

“They’re sitting on the stand next to the chair I’m sitting on.”

“Sooo…you’re sticking with that then?”

“It’ll catch on.”

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– The HankSaga and all original characters are creations of Dan Leicht (@Deeliopunk)

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